Demetri Martin Quotes

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Super Busy Hospital.'

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think a bad place for a fire would be a factory where they make all of those trick birthday candles.

I think batteries are the most dramatic object of all the objects because other things they stop working or they break. But batteries...they die. If you're a battery you're either working or you're dead. That's a shit life.

I like Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds. You know. Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose. Scissors cuts paper. These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together. Paper covers rock. Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."